Movement? Really?

I think I'm feeling babygirl move. It feels a little bit like muscle twitches (I hate those - I have a recurrent one in my right eyelid that acts up when I'm overtired). So I wasn't really sure. Of course, Mr.Right pointed out that those might not be *my* muscles twitching :-) I don't think it's gas bubbles. It's low down on my belly and, sort of, in front. Could it be? Or is it wishful thinking? I'm 18w3d and they say that you might start to feel some movement now, but maybe it's all in my head (planted there by the books).

Anyhow, in other news (since I've been a terrible blogger. I've been commenting, but not writing much.)

- my sister won't have her breast biopsy done until June 8. Apparently there's no urgency and the first the breast center could get her in was May 25 anyhow. Since her husband will be gone for work then, she's decided to wait til he's back in June. We've let our clinic know that we're pushing off her stim cycle until we get an 'all clear' on the biopsy (probably June 15). It's likely the stim cycle will be in July since my sister and family have some vacation planned in late June.

I had a little bit of a breakdown on Monday when she told me the news about the biopsy schedule. It just felt like yet another f'd up infertility mess. But then I had to stop and remind myself: I'm pregnant. And maybe even viably so. And it doesn't matter when we get these eggs from my sister because we hopefully won't be using them for a while. And, this is about my sister's health. That's our first priority. And even if it never works out to do a stim cycle/retrieval with my sister we've got other options (anonymous donor eggs) if we lose this baby or for a 2nd child. My sister continuing to want to donate for us is really a "bonus gift" and if it never happens, that's ok too.

- I need to take a belly picture. I still haven't because I'm still having a hard time thinking about the bit of belly down there being anything more than fat. But, it is kind of centered and almost a little pointy so I guess it doesn't quite have your usual rolls of belly fat kind of look. I can't *wait* until it really looks like I'm pregnant. Somehow, despite all the people who have been pregnant around me, I didn't really understand that you can make it to nearly halfway through the pregnancy and still not really *look* pregnant. Weird.

- Next babygirl sighting: Monday, May 9 for my 20 week ultrasound. I do have an OB appointment next Tuesday, but there will be no ultrasound there (although a doppler).

- I really want to start embracing this pregnancy. I think I'll steal one of those lists of weekly pregnancy updates to try to get myself a little bit more excited about all of this. I'm also trying to get excited about baby stuff. I'm trying to pick out a color scheme for the nursery since my Dad has just about fairly insisted on coming and helping me paint in May. I'm thinking taupe colored walls with lavender accents/crib bedding/curtains? I'm *so* trying to stay away from pink.

And here I'll stop and recognize that I can't really believe after all this time of TTC and our losses that I still can't quite get myself as excited about this pregnancy and buying baby stuff, etc. as I think I should be. Maybe that will come after the 20 week ultrasound? I don't know. On the other hand, we are now very much planning/scheduling around the assumption that this baby will come around the end of September. But there are still moments of real fear that it's all going to come crashing down - even though we've gotten over so many hurdles at this point.

Ah well, I'm not going to "should" all over myself. Should I be feeling more excitement? Maybe, but I'm feeling what I'm feeling and that's the way it is. Maybe it will change tomorrow.

And because I just reread this post and just can't leave the end here on such a "blah" note: sunny and 70 degrees finally. Yay to the end of winter!!