Moving forward on 2 fronts

I feel like we're fighting a war (on infertility) on two fronts, although the one front (this pregnancy) doesn't really feel like a war so that's not a very good analogy. It feels, mostly, like a really boring, but pleasant walk (at least it does now, several months past the CVS procedure and the 'great toxo scare' of March). For that, I'm HUGELY grateful! :-) I managed to pass the glucose screening test with a score of 131 (135 is the number at which they'd make me do the 3 hour test) so, somehow, this is just starting to feel easy (please, karma, do not kick me in the ass now for just having said that.) I've gained 14 pounds and I'm tracking along the "what to expect" weight-tracker line for a total gain of 25 lbs. I'm out walking 3 miles a day, which is helping a lot I think. So, fingers-still-crossed, this is going pretty well.

The second front is with my sister as egg donor. It's looking less and less like we're doing this as a backup plan for child #1 and more to tackle (presumed) secondary infertility (ok, it's really a backup plan now for #2). That seems to be going ok. She'll start bc pills this Sunday. We had a follow-up consult with Dr.Dry yesterday afternoon (with my sister on the phone). He reviewed everything and still hopes we'll get 6-10 eggs from my sister (although she'll be turning 37 probably the week she starts stims). We discussed freezing embryos (our decision, over freezing eggs) and on what day (we'll freeze on day 1 after retrieval). We even discussed how we might eventually defrost and how many we might transfer (maybe just one at a time to avoid twins).

The only minor wrinkle is that later in the day I called my sister to thank her for interrupting her vacation with her family to take the call yesterday afternoon and she said she and my BIL wanted to sit down and talk with Mr.Right and me again. I don't *think* she's backing out, but apparently they've been discussing some of the implications of my pregnancy - with it looking like I might actually have this baby - and what that might mean for a future child created with her eggs. Of course, immediately alarms go off in my head that they're going to back out. But I think they're just being reasonable: the last time we all 4 sat down to talk about this we didn't know I was pregnant. And the only other time the 4 of us have even touched on that situation together was so early on in February when we met with the social worker that, of course, we were all still very much discounting that this pregnancy would make it. So, I think it's a good idea.

And, really, all along I've told my sister that she can back out of this at any time. Even up until right before the retrieval (although it would be nicer if we don't have to spend the money on the drugs and the global fee, but if we do, we do). And we'll figure out what to do about conceiving child #2 if/when we get there. Maybe lightening will strike us twice and we'll get pregnant on our own again (not holding out too much hope for that at age 42) and we've always said that if this didn't work with my sister we'd cheerfully (ok, that may be stretching it a bit) move on to anonymous donor eggs.

Anyhow, it looks like we won't get a chance to get together and talk face to face until July 10, but that will still be before we have to pay the global fee to my clinic and before we have to order drugs. So, we'll figure it all out then.

I really suspect this is more about how this 2nd donor egg child might feel when they find out they were conceived with an egg from their Aunt, but that their older sister was conceived 'the old-fashioned' way. Honestly, I've not thought too deeply about that myself and my guess is that my (little) sister may have a little bit more perspective on that than I might have. I think it might have already been hard to be the younger sibling and I imagine she's worrying a bit in advance about how this child might feel about all of this. So, I'm trying not to speculate too much about what they're thinking or what they want to talk about and just let it be what it's going to be. In the meantime, like I said, she's starting bc pills on Sunday at any rate.

Off to walk with the dog on a glorious, sunny, humidity-free day here! Feeling hugely blessed that we might actually have a baby at the end of September and blessed that we may still have this opportunity with my sister to help us with #2.

Moving forward

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I really appreciate the support and unconditional acceptance of this community. I think TeeJay hit the nail on the head: for some reason, I continue to feel this need to justify myself regarding going forward with a stim/retrieval cycle with my sister. I think I feel like somebody is going think I'm 'greedy' for asking my sister to do this when I've got a perfectly good pregnancy going already. Of course no one (besides you guys) is really going to know right now that we're doing this - outside of Mr.Right, me, my sister and my BIL (we're not going to tell our parents at this point, unless it becomes necessary) and, of course, the people at our clinic. And, besides, who cares what this imaginary person thinks!?! They don't necessarily know what we've been through or what the situation is.

Still trying to get a phone consult scheduled with Dr.Dry for next week but have been trading messages/voicemail with him. It was kind of touching that he called and left a voicemail (after I called his office to try and arrange a consult time) and wanted to know how my pregnancy was going.

How is it going? It's going well. Really well. Well, despite a little down moment the other evening. I guess it had just opened up old feelings calling the fertility clinic that day. And then there was this 'tempting fate' kind of feeling I had about this pregnancy and moving forward with my sister as a donor. You know: now that we're moving forward again with my sister the fates will decide to make this pregnancy difficult or even make it end.

But, of course, that's irrational thinking and ridiculous. Nevertheless, it coincided with a time over dinner when I wasn't feeling babygirl move and started worrying that I hadn't felt her move in a while. There were a few tears, but Mr.Right and I talked ourselves out of getting worked up about it. Or so I thought. When Mr.Right joined me in bed he was very quiet. I had actually felt the baby move (I often do once I'm lying down in bed) and I turned to tell him. He told me he'd just been rehearsing in his head the speech he would have to give to his colleagues/employees in the office about losing the baby. Sigh.

Of course, that night, I swear babygirl woke me up in the middle of the night with her kicking. I couldn't fall back asleep so I read for an hour or so. I guess I deserved that! :-)

Anyhow, we're all fine now. Back to our 'boring pregnancy' status. (Please, let it stay that way!) Out for a 3 mile walk (sadly, I quit running a few weeks ago) with the puppy this morning (she's not much of a puppy anymore at 10.5 months old!). I was getting lonely walking this last week since she'd not been able to go with me as she was recovery from her spaying surgery. But she's off the pain meds now and raring to go! The people (mostly women) that I meet walking dogs are now routinely asking me when I'm due. I guess it's a pretty safe bet to ask now that the belly is pretty obvious. And I find I don't mind at all. :-)

All clear for my sister!

My sister called yesterday and the results of her breast biopsy are all clear! She has to go for a post-op appointment this Friday and they apparently want to do another mammogram at some point soon-ish because the surgeon wasn't able to get as many calcifications as they thought they saw on the initial images so I guess they just want to see if they still show up. Hopefully, none of this means further biopsies.

Along with telling me the news about the results, my sister wanted to let me know she'd be free this Friday for the follow-up consult Dr.Dry wants us to do before moving forward. I'm going to push for a phone consult since it's a long-ish drive for her over to our clinic (an hour+) and, honestly, I'm not thrilled about walking into my clinic with my 25-week belly. I know if I were sitting there waiting for my appointment I wouldn't really want to see a pregnant woman walking in. Anyhow, he's seen both of our faces before (and mine, way too many times) so I think a phone consult will suffice.

I still feel a little weird about doing this cycle while we have a (currently, and hopefully continuing) successful pregnancy of our own going on. But for most of the reasons we initially started down this path, I know it makes sense to continue: 1) get a first take-home baby (ok, it's looking more and more likely that we may accomplish this without my sister, but that wasn't the case in January or even April when we decided to start/continue on this path), 2) have a shot at a 2nd child (this is still highly unlikely with my own eggs since if I have this first baby, I'll be closing in on 42 by the time my body is ready to have a 2nd), 3) my sister is turning 37 this July so we don't have time to wait and see if we need her eggs a year or so from now, 4) given all this and the likelihood that we'll need donor eggs (if not now for #1, almost definitely for #2) this will give us a chance of using genetically-related eggs.

Ok, I know I've gone over and over this in previous postings, but I guess I just need to keep convincing myself that it's worth putting my sister through this. I know she's completely on board with it, but I really don't think she knows yet what it will really be like taking 4-6 injections everyday. Of course, maybe the emotional toll will be somewhat less for her because, despite the hormones, it won't be like she's desperately trying to get pregnant herself (which was always the state I was in) and she knows we're only asking her to do this once (where, at least until our last declared cycle, I never knew when it was going to end.)

I'm am exceedingly grateful that my sister is still willing to do this and also so grateful that her biopsy results were negative.

Otherwise, continuing to wade through the completely overwhelming task of registering for baby stuff. Trying to figure out how the heck to order the Dutailier glider I want with the finish and fabric I want. (I get a little obsessed with the details sometimes.....)

Random updates, cont'd

Oh boy. I'm turning into one of "those" bloggers - totally random, inconsistent posts that don't have any real through thread (although, honestly, I don't run into too many bloggers like that). I'd like to think that this is because of the 'busy-ness' of being pregnant. But really? Not all that busy. At least, with being pregnant. Or at least it feels that way now. I am under the gun a bit to get a proper registry done since invitations have now gone out for the first (of 3, sigh) showers which will take place on July 9.

But, I was busy being on vacation and having a birthday last week! More on that:

> Yep, I turned 41 last week (and Mr.Right turned 42 the day before me - we have back-to-back birthdays). So, I'll be 41 and 3+ months old when babygirl arrives (hopefully). Old, old, old. Of course, I don't feel 41. I feel somewhere around, oh, maybe, 35 or so. Weird. Would I want to be 35 again? No way! No Mr.Right at age 35. (There was a Mr. Rebound who broke my heart that year though). Anyhow, more importantly, birthday dinner was at a wonderful Italian place in Boston's North End. And I had saved up all my alcohol chits for a couple of weeks so I could have a glass of Prosecco!

> Long(ish), rambling, driving vacation last week. Started off at Mr.Right's 20th college Reunion the weekend of Memorial Day and then drove northwards for 3 days at a gorgeous inn on Cape Cod. The weather was absolutely perfect! Took the ferry out to Nantucket one day (had never been there before). From there, we hit a few historical sites (Plimoth Plantation; John Adams houses) south of Boston and shot on through to New Hampshire to spend one night in the town where Mr.Right went to boarding school. I had never been there and he had such fun showing me around his dorm and the classrooms and everything (it was the last day of classes). Then back to Boston for 4 nights' stay catching up with friends for dinner Friday night; dinner Saturday night; breakfast on Sunday and dinner on Sunday night! Phew!! A lot of catching up (mostly with Mr.Right's university and boarding school friends, but also one of my high school friends). And in the midst of that my birthday dinner as noted above. Lots of historical site-seeing. We're all boned up on our Revolutionary War history (oh yeah, and btw, Sarah Palin, Paul Revere road to Lexington after crossing the Charles River into Charlestown and getting a horse there -- he didn't ride around Boston ringing bells and warning the British. I don't care how you try to spin it....sigh.)

On the pregnancy front:

We had both another cervix/growth ultrasound today at the hospital's antenatal center and a regular monthly appointment with my OB's office. Cervix is as perfect as perfect gets (4.3 cm). Babygirl is measuring right on target - head a little large (yikes!). But she wasn't very cooperative this time in getting her picture taken. She was head down and turned toward the back and so no really good pictures of her were forthcoming. Fundal height measured 25 weeks at the OB's office. I'm up 11.5 pounds total and had gained 3 pounds since the last OB visit so they're predicting a 25-30 pound weight gain total (personally, I'm trying to stay on the 25 pound trend line if I can).

On a semi-related infertility front:

My sister went in for her breast biospy this morning. Remember her? We were all set to do donor eggs with my sister when I turned up pregnant (the old fashioned way). We were on a path to continuing on with retrieving eggs out of one cycle with my sister when she turned up with a calcification (hopefully, that's all it is) in one breast. Keeping all fingers crossed that there is no sign of any malignancy (she should hopefully have the pathology report back by next week some time). She still wants to do a cycle and so we're currently planning for July - if all is negative next week. I haven't heard from her this afternoon but I'm hoping everything went ok.

I went last night and stayed at their house so I could watch my younger nephew this morning while my BIL took my sister to the surgery this morning. My nephew had hand, foot and mouth virus this past weekend and they weren't sure if he'd be feeling well enough (mostly just sores in his mouth/throat at this point) to go to daycare this morning so I offered to go and stay with him at home. He seemed very lively, though, and we played all morning until I had to leave for my appointments this afternoon (and my BIL was able to come home while my sister was in surgery to get him and then go back and pick her up.)

If all looks ok, we'll schedule a consult with Dr.Dry and get underway with a cycle for her. It seems a little weird to be doing this with our baby seemingly, finger-crossing-ly, healthy at 24w3d but we know lightening doesn't strike the same place twice and there more than likely won't be a 'miracle' second baby with my eggs so we're taking my sister up on her continued generosity.

Anyhow, I hope to get back to more consistent reading, comment and posting now that I'm home for a while. Hope you are all well!