After I wondered to myself on Friday about whether I should POAS, Mr. Right wondered with me late on Friday night about whether I should use a HPT. After all, Saturday was going to be CD28 and I rarely have cycles that long. Of course, we didn't have any in the house so when I woke up Saturday morning we decided after we bought some that day that I'd test later and then again on Sunday morning.
Of course, what happened? Just after we got done having post-breakfast 'relations' I realized I was spotting. So, no need to waste money on HPTs. I wasn't really upset at all. We just started talking about what this would mean for the schedule of the next cycle. And started plotting calls to the clinic and I started fretting about appointments this week interfering with the conference and meetings I'm supposed to be attending on behalf of two of my consulting gigs. Oh, and the fact that CD13 (which in past cycles has been either insemination day or retrieval day) will be the day that I'm supposed to be 2.5 hours away with my mother-in-law for her foot surgery. Sigh.....
And then, last night before going to sleep, we had a long, drawn-out argument about things, keeping us up until after midnight (this was after Friday night's long, drawn-out argument about whether to get an HPT or not). Last night's argument was - yet again - about our completely different ways of dealing with all of this - his being this determined, fact-based, logical, it's-going-to-work-eventually attitude and my this sucks, nobody knows squat, this-is-probably-never-going-to-happen-for-us attitude (which, in my defense, I don't always feel like...sometimes I do feel like this might work one day, one way or another). It was just so frustrating. We're having the same argument over and over. I say something negative. He gets upset, because he feels he disagrees with whatever crazy thing I've said (well, no shit, it's a crazy statement usually made in the heat of emotional upset - like "it boggles my mind how little the medical profession knows about the process of reproduction" which he immediately took as an attack on his profession).
On the upside, I think we're good arguers. I think once we get past the first few heated moments (ok, hours) and one leaving-the-bedroom-for-the-guest-room move by me, we can have a good give/take discussion about what we've just said to each other. But last night's didn't come to any real resolution, I think. At some point, I actually said, "I'd like to make a proposal that we end this conversation here without prejudice to either side because we need to go to sleep." I felt like I was in a legal negotiation or something. Ha!
I think we've always had some skill at making our way through these marital disputes. Even though we've only been married a little over a year, we're freaking old and I think have been through enough relationships and life that we know how to have a respectful argument. The counselor I've been seeing who deals with infertility has also helped. And Mr.Right came with me to to the counselor for my last session. I think we're going to need to go back together again.
That all having been said, I'm still feeling extremely frustrated that he can't seem to let me just have my negative thoughts. He doesn't need to agree with them. He doesn't need to fix them. He just needs to recognize that I have them, that they're real to me (even if they sound crazy to him) and I sometimes need to say them out loud. I guess I can say them out loud here and probably should since it may keep me from feeling like I only have my husband to express them to. But, what are we doing here (in this marriage) if we can't express what we're feeling to each other?
Sorry, this has turned into a long, rambling post (built on too little sleep last night). Calling the clinic today to leave a message telling them I'll be in bright and early on Monday morning at 7 a.m. for bloodwork and ultrasound on what will be CD3.
Mike got a job and other updates
6 years ago
I understand exactly what you're saying. My husband and I have similar issues from time to time--not so much about negativity vs. positivity but more because there are times when I just need to vent and talk about this whole experience and he has a tendency to not want to do that. He doesn't want to talk about anything unless it's a problem he can fix and since there's not much he can do to fix this particular issue, he just gets frustrated when I want to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI think men in general have a real need to fix things and tend to feel inadequate (or somehow criticized) when they can't. What they don't understand is that we don't care so much if they can fix it or not--we just want to talk and feel supported (not contradicted). It's frustrating, but you're right--blogging helps.
What's funny is, I actually think my husband has been a little more sympathetic and understanding of my feelings since he's been reading my blog posts. Maybe because it's a less emotionally charged way of communicating? Who knows.
Hang in there and I'm sorry about AF.
That sucks when your hubby and you aren't on the same page. I have so been there, and it's not easy. At least you guys are continuing to talk, and keep working on having good arguments! It's very important to keep being there for each other!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry that AF came, but perhaps this cycle is exactly the right one!!!
IF totally brings out some of the worst fights... they pit us against some very biological, instinctual fears for reproduction, and these land so differently for men and women. It sounds like you've gotten out what you've needed to and been able to move forward. And yes, it's perfectly okay if you have your negative thoughts. I bet he's having them too, but doesn't want to share them b/c he's in that "I'm the husband/provider machismo" thing where they need to feel like they have to be nothing but positive and supportive all the time, but truth be told, they're *just* as vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteWishing you best in your journey. Hope the monitoring appointment went well this morning.
Happy ICLW!
~Miriam (ICLW #111)
Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
When DH and I are under stress, we fight about the stupidest things, so you are not alone. TTC definitely brings about undo stress. I hope the next cycle you go through will be your last and it will end with a BFP!! I wish you the best of luck as you take the path into parenthood!!
ReplyDeleteStop by anytime:
www.babywid.blogspot.com
HAPPY ICLW
No one can tell you how to feel, however, I have to admit that I can understand his frustration. He needs positive thoughts and beliefs [this will succeed eventually] to form the basis for his motivation "We really want to conceive a child together," to continue with treatment. I suspect your motivation is the negative: "I don't want to accept that I may never conceive." You both want the same thing in the end, but you go at it in different ways.
ReplyDeleteDo you know the game involving a coin or a ball under one of 3 cups that keep getting shifted around? Your husband would keep going until he wins, based upon the 1:3 odds. I suspect you would walk away, saying "Don't waste your money...it's bound to be a con."
Maybe you and your husband can find a compromise. Try re-labelling your thoughts and feelings; instead of calling them negative thoughts, try referring to them as something he can deal with better, like skepticism, pragmatism or risk aversion.
Also, there's a book: "Trying To Conceive" edited by Michaela Ryan, pub. Vermilion Books, that includes 15 stories about couples who overcame infertility after making a shift in their emotions.
Good luck with the next step and have some fun making up after the arguments, if you're still having them.
Lisa (ICLW #65 - your great life)
Hi pet, I'm sorry this cycle didn't work out. I hear you on the different approach to IF...my DH tends to not talk about it at all, he also think it'll work eventually, but I feel it may not and if that's the case we'll have to find something else to focus on (adoption in our case, and kittens!). I don't think we are not hopeful of course, but I agree that we have to feel we can express our negative thoughts without being shut down. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteFran ICLW
ps: I've started following you!