Preparing to get back in the saddle.....again

So, here we are again: I'll be walking into our fertility clinic for an appointment with Dr.Dry tomorrow afternoon. It was just a little over a year ago (last late July) that we met with Dr.Dry for the first time. We decided after that appointment to go straight to IVF and skip IUI (we had been trying on our own for ~8 months with one chemical pregnancy lost at 5/6 weeks), thinking: we just want to get pregnant by the end of the year and be done with it. Hah!! I can't believe how hilarious it is now that we actually thought that would happen.

Oh well.

I did also call my OB's office to see if, by any chance, the chromosome testing from my D&C was back in. They're supposed to call me back this afternoon. Doubtful that it is, and doubtful that it would really change much in the way of next course of action. But I thought it might be interesting to have for our appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post's questions for Dr.Dry!! Your thoughts and experiences are really helpful. I'll definitely ask about a hysteroscopy (or whatever might be most appropriate for my situation).

Vacation in California with Mr.Right's sister's family was great. Even though it was cloudy almost everyday in Aptos, it was wonderfully cool and refreshing compared to home. And, we had a great time with our nephews (3.5 yrs and 7 mos.). We don't get to spend as much time with them as we do with my sister's boys so the concentrated time with them was great.

Of course, I had one or two little breakdowns. One, on Saturday night after we got to the beach, was mainly exhaustion induced. I just broke out crying as we got into bed. The one on Tuesday night in San Francisco (we escaped for an overnight by ourselves) was somewhat alcohol-induced. We had a lovely dinner out (at Zuni Cafe, where we had a table in full view of the open kitchen!) that night, but after getting back to our hotel and into bed, I just had to start in on the sadness. I just couldn't shake some of the thoughts about what I would have been doing/or have not been doing at the beach, at the restaurant, in SF had I been 15 weeks pregnant as I should have been. What I would have been wearing; how much more I would have slept; how much alcohol I wouldn't have been drinking ;-) etc.

But then it turned into a fight with Mr.Right. I'm not sure now exactly how it morphed into a fight, but it definitely had to do with me trying to pry from him his real thoughts. It's weird, but there's often this moment when we're arguing that I get really calm and really focused on convincing him to tell me what he's really thinking. Because I can always tell that he's not telling me something - he's such a bad poker face. So, finally I got it: he was sick and tired of me being sad.

Well, I told him, I really don't think I've been all that sad in the grand scheme of things - at least, I haven't exhibited sadness as much as I believe I could have. And I went on to go through the entire schedule of events through which I wasn't exhibiting sadness - the entire day of my D&C, the day after when his sister, her in-laws, his mother and my nephews all showed up for lunch and then SIL, MIL and nephews stayed through Sunday and then we entertained a group of friends and their bazillion kids on Saturday and on and on and on.

Ok, I was a little bit revisionist in my history - since, at the time and even now I totally don't regret having all those people around those days. It kept me from wallowing in pity for myself and I really wanted to see everyone!!

But, my point to Mr.Right was: buddy, you have nothing to complain about. You've hardly had to deal with me being sad at all.

Well, we did talk less heatedly from there, but I'm still not sure that anything really got resolved. The rest of the week went ok. There were a few more down moments for me, and I did make a few more remarks re: our situation to Mr.Right but no more real breakdowns.

I don't know. Maybe there isn't anything to resolve. I did tell Mr.Right I was really happy that he'd told me what he was feeling: even if he thought it would hurt me. Because, actually, it really didn't hurt that much. I can totally understand why he was sick of me being sad. I never want to see people I love be sad. It hurts me and I just want to fix them (which I try to do sometimes inappropriately.) So, I get it. Just tell me what you feel, for godsakes and stop keeping it bottled up, though. I don't know how many times I have to tell him that for him to get it.

Ok, back to steeling myself to be able to walk into Dr.Dry's office again tomorrow - a place I had hoped to not see for a very long time. It's just another doctor's appointment in a nondescript office building, right? And we pretty much know we're not going to get any new answers so really, it's just a formality to getting on with a next cycle. I hope I can be as zen about it all tomorrow.