If you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all

A massive fight with Mr.Right last night, in bed no less. What about? Same old, same old. I said something insanely negative and he got upset. I know, I know. I could go back and count the number of times in this blog we've had this confrontation. And I come away saying that I know I should curb my pessimistic statements, if for no other reason than to spare my poor husband who gets upset by them. I don't want to upset him. (I don't think.) So why do I keep doing it?

All of this was, of course, prompted by the bad news that just never ends. Estrogen only 70 yesterday afternoon. Not unexpected after a morning monitoring appointment that revealed no follicles above 10mm. It just feels like the end. But no, we were back for more torture this morning in yet another monitoring appointment. At least Dr.Dry was there. And, amazingly, he seems to have hope that we'll at least make it to an IUI. He even, incredibly, seems to have hope that we might get 4 follicles and make it to retrieval (wishful thinking on his part, certainly.) Probably, he's going to drop my dosages or stop stim meds all together. My body isn't responding to the stims so why continue them. His thought is that changing things up may jumpstart something (or at least let my body do whatever it's going to do with the few follicles there.) Anyhow, we'll see what estrogen is this afternoon. If it's starting to increase appropriately he'll probably just reduce meds - not stop. Probably back in Sunday (or possibly Monday) for further monitoring.

The one perplexing thing (what isn't perplexing in my case?) is that my lining is thick for what my estrogen is. However, this could be because it got a head-start from the cyst (which made estrogen) at the beginning of the cycle (even though my estrogen was down at 24 the day after the cyst aspiration.)

So, walking out of the clinic this morning, I decided to just say nothing about the visit. Usually, I start talking to Mr.Right as soon as we walk out of the office about what we just heard. Today, we walked to our cars and I wished Mr.Right a better day today at work, told him I loved him and got in my car and drove away. I intend this afternoon to give him the facts only....just the estrogen level and whatever the instructions are re: the meds. I think we (or I, since Mr.Right less seldomly starts conversations about all of this) just need to stop talking about all of this for a while (well, except for here on this blog.)

I think I'm beginning to realize there's nothing to be gained by talking about it. Yes, they're my feelings and I would like to share them with Mr.Right. But why? Especially when I know he will just get upset. I think he knows my feelings by now: frustrated at the time we've wasted on all of this, sad to lose the final chance with my own eggs, scared about donor eggs not working, mad at our doctor for not being able to come up with a protocol that works for me, mad at my own body for failing me, sad that I've failed Mr.Right. So why keep sharing them?

When I asked Mr.Right last night what he wanted me to do, he told me: Try to think more positively. Speak about positive aspects at least as much about negative things.

I'm not sure I can think positively about any of this. So, if I can't say anything positive to balance out the negative, then the only thing I can do is say nothing at all.