I was going to do a thoughtfully written post all of this week, entitled "Infertility is all around" what with the Nobel prize going to Robert Edwards; Faith Sailie's video essay on CBS Sunday morning program this past Sunday; and an article about loss in O magazine this past month.
But, I've been feeling really ambivalent about posting on this blog lately. I just kind of want it to all go away. I'm still reading the blogs I follow but commenting infrequently. I always thought those blog entries I read where people talked about disconnecting from now-pregnant bloggers were kind of silly and shallow. But, honestly, I haven't been very inclined to post on your blog if you're pregnant. Sorry. I still hope all goes well for you. But for some reason I just am not much interested in hearing about your pregnancy. I find myself searching out those of you who are in the same boat as me or maybe even worse off.
I did sign up for ICLW this month so I guess I'll have to get out of this funk in another few days.
Vivelle patch is supposed to start today. Just waiting to take a shower and then I'll try it out. Ganirelix starts tomorrow for 3 days. Luckily, no AF yet (I was worried I'd get AF before starting Vivelle/estrogen - like I did when we tried this EPP back in January or February or whenever that IVF try #2 was. )
So, that's good news at least.
I had a good session with my counselor this past Thursday. And I went to the IF Crossroads RESOLVE support group again on Wed. night. Met two women who had definitely gone through a lot more (at least in terms of time) than me. Well, in fact, we'd all gone through traumatic losses too. They're both lining up for donor eggs as we speak. We're almost there. Just this last (at least I keep saying so) try with my own eggs which has about a .00001% chance of working out before we go there.
I know, I know. I *should* be positive. Well, I can't be. There's just no getting around the fact that a) I rarely produce enough follicles to even retrieve, b) even if we do retrieve any eggs and even if they do fertilize, c) we'll do PGD and may ruin a few and d) it may well be the case that none of the embryos will test good and then e) even if one or two are good and are transferred back there's no guarantee they'll actually implant and then f) there's no guarantee they'll make it through 40 weeks of pregnancy. Just call me Mrs. Worst-Case-Scenarios.
Ok, life isn't all that bad. A beautiful, crisp, sunny, cool day here. Headed to Gold Cup horse races this afternoon for friends' annual tailgate on the rail. Should be a picture-perfect fall day.
Mike got a job and other updates
6 years ago
Oh sweetie, how can you not be feeling this. I have thought many times in reading your blog, how can she just keep on going like this? I know after failed IVF cycles and losing our baby in the way we both did, I bascially wanted to just lay down and give up. It is bound to come out some place. I think the end cycles have so much weight on them b/c you know what it means if this fails too. I so hope that neither one of has to get there in the end.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, just know that we ae here for you and that it is perfectly ok to no be positive some of the time (or all of the time if that is needed).
Sending lots of love to you. I hope you enjoy your day of horse racing and tailgating.
I hear you. I have a hard time reading the pregnancy blogs, too. I can handle the ones who have given birth, but not the preggos. Sorry ladies, but your happiness turns me into a green angry monster.
ReplyDeleteWe're trying
God knows with journey's like ours we are entitled to a roller coaster of emotions. Some days we're up and some days we're down. (or perhaps its some months we're up and some we're down).
ReplyDeleteI think sharing your feelings is the most productive way of analyzing them and accepting them, and perhaps being able to move to another place in the future.
And hearing people say "that's OK, Ive been there too, there will be better days..sometime"
In the meantime, wallow if you need to, you've earned it and we'll (sadly) all still be here when you choose to connect a little more.
A prayer has been sent your way today. x
I'm sorry things are hard. I understand not wanting to read/post/follow pregnant women. I feel weird even posting these days, like I am in the wrong spot. I wish you best of luck!
ReplyDelete