1 Year Blog Anniversary

Well, it's been one year since I started this blog. A lot has happened, I guess, in that year. When I started, I was just coming off our 3rd IVF cycle attempt and the first time I'd made it to retrieval. BFN, of course. I was about to move on to a laparoscopy, which ended up discovering Stage III endometriosis, but a clear cyst (that had been persistent since the previous fall). May saw me get pregnant from the first IUI after the lap only to terminate at 13 weeks after discovering a massive cystic hygroma and almost certainly genetic abnormality (pathology showed Trisomy 18).

Somewhere in that time of being pregnant I remember thinking, "why am I still blogging? What do I have to say? Am I even a *real* infertile?" But once things went so badly south with the July NT scan and subsequent D&C I was so, so glad to still be here. And even more glad that you all were here with me.

Since last July's termination, we managed only one really disastrous last IVF attempt (delayed for almost 2 months by a cyst which finally had to be aspirated, only to then endure nearly 20 days of stimulation of my completely obstinate ovaries to get one mature egg and a BFN). We had hoped to do PGD to avoid another horrendous NT scan, but alas PGD is pretty nonsensical with only 1 fertilized embryo. Sigh.

But, now? Pregnant. On our own. On the cycle immediately following the disastrous IVF#4 BFN. No monitoring, no OPK'ing, no temp'ing, just random (ok, every other day between days 9 and 14) sex. Today I'm 11 weeks 2 days. But I'm not in the clear yet. We still don't know if this baby is genetically normal. The CVS test is scheduled for this Friday. Hopefully we'll get early FISH results by next Wednesday or so.

Oh yeah, and...... we're still pursuing my sister as a donor in parallel with all of this. We had already started down this road when I wound up pregnant on our own. We've decided to keep moving forward in case this pregnancy goes bad or to possibly have a second child if this one does make it. We've gotten through the initial Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound for my sister (she passed with flying colors!), Mr.Right has done genetic testing (the Counsyl test (saliva sample) which came back delightfully major mutation-free), the psych test for my sister (MMPI test) and the counseling session for my sister and her husband and for all 4 of us together. So far, so good. The only things remaining are infectious disease and Fragile X bloodwork testing for my sister. She's even got her prescription for b.c. pills on the way.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to recap all of this. It does sound like a lot to have gone through in the last year, but oddly enough, it doesn't feel overwhelming. Maybe that's because I'm currently in a place where we actually have a chance to have a baby. Of course, we've been in this exact same spot before. I can't help feeling hopeful again this time, though, even though I know what can happen. I wake up every morning thinking about the CVS test on Friday and the results that we hope to get next week. And, oh yeah, I keep finding myself hoping that it's a girl (the Trisomy 18 baby was a girl). I know that's ridiculous. I'll be happy with whatever we get, but I'm ready for a girl (we have 4 nephews).

I'm not sure I've learned anything profound over the last year. We've made it through all that crap without completely falling apart (although there were certainly moments of falling apart.) I guess that's an accomplishment. We're probably not really *through* it all yet, however. Counseling has helped - a lot. Trying to make myself more aware about being negative and the effect that it has on Mr.Right has helped. And trying hard to come up with some positive statements/thoughts has helped too. I look back and think that I was so stubborn for a while about being positive. I wanted to be who I was (a negative person - at least, that's my story about myself.) But, sometimes you have to do things for other people. And, frankly, it ended up doing a lot for me too. Who would have known?

I also continue to appreciate all who have read and commented on my blog. I'm not sure what I'd have done without you. I hope I've been as helpful in commenting on others' blogs. I know sometimes I've been so wrapped up in my own troubles that it's been hard not to comment without seeing things through my own filter. I hope I've *mostly* been able to be supportive and comforting, though.

I'm not sure where this blog will go in the next year. I think it depends on where we end up with this pregnancy and/or a future DE pregnancy. I know I've enjoyed reading blogs through their pregnancies, but I'm not sure if I'll want to blog the entire pregnancy or blog at all after a baby is born. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. Thanks for being here in the meantime, though. I really do appreciate it.