A really tough night

Well, my breezy (hoping to be positive) dismissal of the news about the positive toxoplasmosis IgM yesterday afternoon was so much drivel. I couldn't leave well enough alone and called Mr.Right about 4:40 p.m. right after he finishes with patients and just before I was due on a video-conference at 5 p.m. I guess I was expecting him to be his usual rational, positive self - in other words to talk me down, telling me that false positives are quite common and that's what this probably was.

Instead, he took it really badly. And it just went downhill from there. We had to wait to talk longer after I was done with my video call about 45 minutes later. He confessed he had gotten nothing productive done in those intervening minutes. We both started googling. He doesn't order toxo screens so he really didn't know much about them.

And it got worse. Yes, there are false positives. To an extent that ACOG recommends against routinely screening pregnant women because of the anxiety that can be caused by false positives. But, somehow, that didn't comfort us. We went on to read about what the likely course of re-screening will be. After this initial titer is done from blood today, in order to confirm a positive, in 2-3 weeks there will likely be a second titer done. If the IgM rises or if IgG shows up (meaning I've developed antibodies) that means it's a real positive. So, we're probably looking at at least another 2-3 weeks of uncertainty about this.

And then we read on to the risks to the baby. The lowest risk of passing on the infection to the baby is in the first trimester (only 15% of the time does it get passed on) but if it does get passed on in the 1st trimester the biggest risk to the baby is then. It affects brain and nervous system development.

During an amniocentesis, the amniotic fluid can be tested to see if the infection has been passed on to the baby, but only first at 18 weeks.

All we could keep thinking was that where we might have been released from uncertainty once the CVS FISH results were back (hopefully next week) we'll now be in suspense, if this is real, until many more weeks about whether this is a baby we can keep. I think that's been the most devastating thing about all of this: realizing that the uncertainty about the viability of this baby may go on yet for weeks.

And it just seems SO unfair. This miracle baby that we never expected. Our last chance to have a child genetically linked to me before we move on to donor eggs. And we've screwed it up.

No, specifically, I've screwed it up. If this is real, I've managed to get myself infected. We have a cat. But she never goes outside and I haven't changed the kitty litter in two years since Mr.Right has an extremely limited sense of smell and doesn't mind it. No birds. I haven't been digging in the garden where there might be cat feces (I've never even seen a cat in our yard.) But, I wasn't perfectly cautious with rare meat. I know I had a steak on our anniversary before we knew I was pregnant. And we like our steak rare. And I know I had a pretty rare steak after I was pregnant. I know, I know. I shouldn't have. But really? I go 40 years eating rare meats and never contract toxoplasmosis (I know I never have because my IgG is negative for antibodies) and within the span of 10 weeks of pregnancy I eat something that infects me? It beggars belief.

The most hilarious thing (in a bad way) is that this anxiety over this result has totally knocked the anxiety about genetic abnormality off its pedestal. I was working that anxiety up coming into this CVS test on Friday. But I'd come to a place where I knew I couldn't have done anything about a genetic abnormality (except not get pregnant with my own eggs.)

Consequently, I slept not a wink last night. I did doze a little bit before Mr.Right came to bed at 11 p.m. but woke up then and never got back to sleep. I read the entire NYT Sunday Magazine. I read my book ("The Corrections" which I'm really rather fed up with) and then went downstairs and watched 4 tivo'd tv programs back to back. Back upstairs to read and try to sleep and ended up sitting in upstairs hallways at the top of the stairs staring into space. I just couldn't stop my mind from reviewing every possibly way I could have gotten this and how it was all going to play out.

It's going to be a horrible day. Mr.Right was still really not good this morning. It makes me so scared that he's taken this so hard. It means he's not going to be here to buoy me. I'm going to have to do it for myself. I honestly don't know how we're going to make it through the next few days and potentially the next 6 weeks.

I never pray and I know my now-desperate appeal is probably just going to be dismissed, but I prayed so hard to God to save this baby. I don't know what else to do.