It wasn't a choice

Thanks to My Vegas for pointing out the follow-up to the Twiblings (sort of) piece in the Editorial section of the NYT on Monday which in turn had a reference to this New York Magazine article. Which, all in all, was a fine article. I agree with pointing out the reality to women that as you get older your fertility dramatically decreases and that this should be well understood by all. I'm starting to get to the point where I want to grab 20 year-olds (and 30 year-olds) by the shoulders and say to them, "freeze your eggs now!!"

But the thing I object to is this prevailing assumption that we've all *chosen* to not try and get pregnant before we're 40. Um, no. What was I supposed to do, go out and get pregnant on a one-night stand just so I could prove I was intelligent enough to understand the way my fertility drops off a cliff after age 35? Forgive me if I wanted to first find a partner with whom I could build a successful family. And, it wasn't like I didn't try to find a partner earlier in life. I dated in my 20s, although not horribly successfully. And it wasn't like I was opposed to getting married if I had found the right person, but I didn't. I worked even harder in my 30s to find the right person. I went on match.com I dated one of those finds for 2 years only to find out that he couldn't decide whether he wanted to marry me or not (I was willing to marry him; a mistake for which I am now eternally grateful to have been spared.) I went back on match.com I finally found Mr.Right there. We dated for just over a year and managed to get married before we'd known each other 2 years. We started trying to get pregnant 3 months before the wedding knowing that I was 38 and we didn't have a lot of time to spare.

So you tell me that I've ended up here because the Pill made me 'forget about biology' and that I 'chose' to put off having a child - and I'll tell you that's bullshit. And it's bullshit that's propagated throughout the press about older women going through fertility procedures. As if to say: well, serves you right. You waited too long (or, even more patronizingly, you were too focused on your career) to have children.

I think this kind of article does a grave disservice to all of us. Fortunately, the author of the Twiblings article pointed out pretty matter-of-factly that it took her a while to find a man that she wanted to marry and have children with.

Anyhow, off my soapbox for today. Forget the losers out there that want to put everyone in a box and make assumptions about how they got to where they are. It is what it is. I didn't meet my husband until I was 37. And I'm glad I waited for the right one and didn't just marry any random idiot just to have children at a younger age. And now I'll do what it takes (currently using donor eggs) to have children given the reality of where I am. And anyone who wants to judge or make pronouncements about 'women over 40 doing fertility treatments' based on false assumptions can just sod off.