I outed myself this morning with Mr.Right about this super secret pocket of hope I've been tending about actually being pregnant this month. And now I'm outing it here. (Well, I outed it in a comment on cgd's post this morning). And you all were thinking I was moving so positively forward with this sister-donor thing, right?
I am still, but at the same time I've been spending an inordinate amount of time the last few days (especially inordinate given the chance of being pregnant which is, what?, maybe less than 2%?) fantasizing about what it would be like if I found out this weekend I was pregnant. What would we do about moving forward with my sister? Since the pregnancy might not stick would we go forward anyhow with her testing? Would I pull out an HPT and test this weekend? or how long would I wait for AF before I test? Would I call Mr.Right at work?
Ugh.
So, all these thoughts have been running through my mind the last few days over and over. And I finally mentioned something to Mr.Right this morning. You see, I've been planning on going to Colorado to visit some friends and ski probably the last week of Jan/first week of Feb. And I'm about to pull the trigger on a plane ticket. And I was talking to Mr.Right about the price of that plane ticket (not much in combo with some ff points). In a complete reversal of the usual hope/pessimism traits that we each tend toward, he immediately said, 'Oh, we know that's not going to happen. Buy the plane ticket.' Huh. It stung a little that he completely dismissed, but looking objectively at it, it is reality. We didn't even opk so we don't really know when (let alone if) I even ovulated. Yes, we did the deed on CDs 8, 10, 12 and 14 pretty much. And let's not forget that even *if* I ovulated and *if* we had sex the right days and *if* the egg fertilized, and *if* it implanted, it would likely be genetically abnormal.
So, I'm buying the plane ticket (ok, I haven't quite pulled the trigger yet...still sorting out exact timing based on friends' availability.)
Am I upset about all of this? Not really. Just a little worried that this has taken so many thought cycles over the last few days. And a little worried that when AF comes this weekend (hopefully, so I can move on), I'll be upset. It's like we're so trying to move forward but we keep giving ourselves these little <2% chances of hope to string ourselves along. Maybe I should start BCPs this next month and just be done with it (I was trending toward not starting, especially if it looks like I'll be in town for CD5-10 to schedule hysteroscopy...just so we could try again on our own this next month (of course, all the while doing testing for my sister.)) But what if.......? There's always that what if?
Just to top my day off so far, I then went to spinning class at a new gym. Only to discover - after going through the entire class - that my instructor was pregnant. And very visibly so. The class ended with 15 min of core work which was capped off by a discussion of pregnancy and abdominal muscles and......and I hightailed it out of there.
Mike got a job and other updates
6 years ago
It's hard not to give up hope that one day it is possible to get knocked up the old fashion way AND have it be successful. Don't ever give up hope!
ReplyDeleteBlah! There should be a discussing-pregnancy-in-public ban. Not really I guess but I freakin hate being in a group of people (not related to pregnancy) and having that topic pop up.
ReplyDeleteI get caught up every single cycle - I know after almost 15 years the chance is so low but I just can't help it.
Good for you for buying the ticket! I hope you have a great time :)
I had the same what if thought after my consult yesterday. the doctor wants me to go on BCP"s for upcoming cycle but also for hysteroscopy? (not sure I understand) anyhow she said I could just stay on them...I was like no way- what if, I'm not ruining our less than 2% chance of getting pregnant these next few months! I was almost insulted! As if the last two years wasn't clear enough to me that its not happening on our own. Just wanted to say I completely relate. Hope you enjoy your trip and AF stays away long enough for that to happen.
ReplyDeleteOh my friend, it's just so normal to not give up hope. I think you are doing the right thing, give yourself a change WHILE moviing on to more promising land. Do buy the ticket and if you are indeed pregnant you'll decide what to do then. Sending you love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how we ever will really let go of hope. It's an impossible cycle...hope you can at least enjoy your trip.
ReplyDeleteI think this hoping is very normal - it's what keeps us going! I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip OR are pregnant... OK, I'm hoping more about the prego thing but at least you have Colorado waiting for you!
ReplyDeleteClearly, I totally get this. But, I do think you can be holding on to a glimmer of hope and moving on all at the same time so I do not think this means anything about your donor egg plans.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your husband, its funny how that happens. I often say that someone needs to be holding the hope (or anxiety depending on the situation). I think in this case your optimism helped your husband tap into his pessism. I do this same flip flop thing with my husband too (clearly we have a lot in common, unfortunately too many of the bad things in common).
thinking of you....
Unfair games our hearts and heads play with us.
ReplyDeleteI would have hightailed it out of there, too. Quick as my pitter patters could carry me. I have heard so many stories of women who do get pg naturally before moving forward with something. I know that those stories are a double-edged sword - they give hope, but they also raise hopes. I am crossing fingers for you.
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