Nope, nada, nichts. I won't be having a child that's biologically mine.
It hurts. I wish I weren't here. I wish I weren't old with wacky ovulation and crappy eggs and a body that doesn't respond to IVF meds. I wish we hadn't drawn the extremely short stick this past summer and gotten a Trisomy 18.
I wish my doctor had a miracle protocol that would have made me produce enough eggs to biopsy and select just the good ones to put back.
But, I'm done. I'm tired of 2 years of this. We're out of time. As it is, there's no possible way I'll be having a baby by the time I turn in 41 (in 7 months.)
And I have hope that I'll carry a baby some day. I mean, they always comment about how good my lining is. I have freaking spectacular linings! And, clearly, my body wants to be pregnant. It hung on for 13 weeks to a severely genetically abnormal fetus and might have gone for another week or two had we not decided to terminate.
I just hate that I'm here. I know where I'm going. I know it's going to take a while. But I'd just rather be anywhere than here.
Off to drink copious amounts of alcohol, vegetate on the couch in front of Tivo and eat myself into oblivion. (Oh yeah, training for the marathon and the diet to lose 17 pounds doesn't start until tomorrow.)
Mike got a job and other updates
6 years ago
I am so, so sorry that you find yourself here. I know this has been a long road and that donor eggs has been an option for a while. That does not make this part any easier. Be gentle with yourself and take some time to grieve (cry, scream, whatever).
ReplyDeleteI have always felt very connected to your story. We both have lots of IVF failures and both of losing our one and only pregnancies the way that we did. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that I get it.
here to hold your hand through this.
This is just unfair.. I wish you did not have to go through this. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Enjoy today and think about tomorrow when it is here. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIf you use DE you will have a biological child, not a genetic child. I'm not sure if that helps right now but having carried two DE babies I can honestly say that the actual pregnancy changed my perspective about what is 'mine'. It was in my body that my little ones grew, through my blood and oxygen they survived. Also I coded their genes 'in ute'.
ReplyDeleteI know how it felt for me to 'give up' my genetic imprint but honestly, I couldn't care less now.
Hang in there.
Oh crap - I was hoping that this one last time...
ReplyDeleteDrink up, sweetie, and tomorrow you'll begin training. I think your body is going to be so receptive to that future little one of yours! I really think this path is the right one for you - you'll be a mother, I just know it.
I am so so so sorry. You definitely deserve a drink.
ReplyDeleteTotally sucky, I'm so sorry but it sounds like you'll be a great mother to ANY child.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that. That blows! I hope what comes your way down the line surpasses all your expectations.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Those words just seem so empty. I wish there were something more I could do or say.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy plenty of drink...you certainly deserve them.
This sucks.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve 1000 cocktails right now.
I am so sorry! I too wish there was something I could do or say to help make this easier!! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you find yourself here - it's really not fair but at the same time, the fact that you're so open to the idea of donor eggs is brilliant - it means motherhood is well within your reach!
ReplyDelete~x~
I'm so sorry *hugs* I pray that you will become a mother.
ReplyDelete